Grocery Stores and “PC” Holidays

The grocery store…..a necessary evil.  Well, unless you end up growing your own food and live in a little house the size of a shoebox in some remote part of the world equipped with solar power and composting toilet (or whatever converts crap to something non-toxic without the use of modern conveniences ).  That’s something Elizabeth would LOVE by the way.

Elizabeth is more than welcome to stick one of these on the back forty of my mansion….if I ever get a mansion.

Look…I know you’re short sighted, hind sighted..something, but could you move the hell out of the way?

Now, generally, when I’m forced to go into one of these gross-ery stores, I’m in a hurry.  I want in and out before I loose any more brain cells.  It never fails.  There are these people…yes, I’m talking to you.  You know you do it…don’t try to deny it.  These people that insist on standing on the opposite side of the aisle from what they’re looking at. That would normally be fine, except that these people almost always pick the one moment that I’m trying to get past them to leave their shopping cart on the opposite side and step across to get whatever it was they were after, thereby blocking the whole damned aisle while they read lables.

Look, label readers…sure saved a lot there, didn’t you?


Honestly, I’ve never spent a lot of time reading labels.  It’s all bad for you anyway.  Just eat it.  In another few years yet another study will show that it’s actually good for you.  A few cents difference isn’t going to break you either.

Make a list..because sometimes it’s hard to remember that baby needs beers and wines.





I also generally have a very good idea of what I’m looking for at the store.  My suggestion to those of you who have trouble making up your mind or just wander around aimlessly trying to remember what it was you came after in the first place is MAKE A DAMNED LIST.  It’s really helpful.  Just a public service announcement from yours truly.

Just..just move.

A couple of other things people should consider.  Quit with the family reunions in the middle of the store.  They have parks and convention centers and things like that if you just want to sit around and talk.  The middle of the aisle is NOT the place for it.  Please, I want out of here…just go.  And, speaking of sitting in the wrong spot, don’t leave the store and then immediately stop right outside of the exit.  Good grief people.




Happy Mothers Day…now, please stop.

I’m telling you…my IQ drops when I walk into one of these places.  It gets worse around the holidays.  ANY holiday.  It’s Mother’s Day today and that was insane.  It looked like a bunch of looters following a riot. #floristslivesmatter  Look, people…don’t try to wait until the last second for flowers for mom.  It’s too late.  Give it up.  Just stop.

She’s not all that great..she raised a moron.  The best you can try to do is break the cycle at this point.  I mean, you might be a freak of nature but, chances are, it’s genetic.





There’s something about holidays in general that bug me.  It’s gotten ridiculous.  Everybody (but me, evidently) is so afraid of offending someone that you can’t even enjoy a holiday.  Take, for instance, “Happy Holidays”.  There are quite a few people that get their panties in a wad over this.  Guess what?  There are a whole bunch of holidays during that time of year.  Sounds appropriate to me.  It’s not some diabolical plot to undermine Christianity.  More of an effort not to exclude anyone.  Having said that, I was in Lowe’s a couple of years back and noticed them selling “Holiday Trees”.  What the hell is a holiday tree?  Really?  How many other holidays use a tree?  Call it what it is.


This whole PC thing is getting out of hand. I understand schools are now having “Friendship parties” instead of doing the whole Valentine’s Day thing.  What’s next?  Easter will probably turn into Colored Egg Appreciation Day, Halloween is more or less Fall Festivals and whatnot.  We’ll have to stop having Independence Day because it offends one group or another.  OK…OK….I’m done, I guess.  I’m a little rusty since I haven’t updated here for a few years.  Oh, you can be sure there’s more to come.

Now, get out of my way.



“Parking Lot Etiquette” and “Wal Mart is NOT a Daycare”

 Ahh…the parking lot.  No place irritates me more.  OK…lots of places irritate me more but, for the sake of this rant, I’ll concentrate on this one.

People, what is it with waiting on parking spots?  I’m not talking about for a minute or so while someone backs out of the spot.  I’m talking about sitting there holding up traffic for five minutes or so while you wait on the guy to unlock his car and unload his full cart, then go put up his cart (or not…more on this in a sec). 

Now you’ve got fifteen cars backed up behind you which has turned into a mini traffic jam because some other idiot didn’t realize what was going on and tried to turn down that aisle only to get stuck halfway out in the intersection.  This, in turn, blocks off the intersection and backs up traffic in the other directions.  Congratulations asshole, you’ve just caused a parking lot gridlock. 

And WHY??  Is it because your lazy ass can’t walk an extra fifty feet?  Maybe that would do you some good.  Put down the CrackDonald’s fat burger and walk your Orca self up to the door and maybe you wouldn’t have to ride around on that motorized cart (which is only rated for about 300 lbs, by the way).

 I tell you what…if you just insist on getting that prime parking lot real estate, why don’t you pull to one side so that other cars can go around you?  I promise you, no one is going to come around you and sneak into your precious parking spot.

Now….about that shopping cart the guy was putting up.  I spent quite a bit of money putting my car in the shop to take out two door dings last year.  You might say “it’s going to happen”.  You would be right, the question is “why?”.  Because people are inconsiderate, lazy asshats.  It’s caused by people who can’t park, don’t care about anyone else’s shit, let their doors rest on other people’s cars, and…don’t put their shopping carts up.  I’ve lost count of how many people just roll one to the side when they’re done with them.  Then the wind catches them and rolls them into MY car.  Thanks.  What gets me is the fact that, in most cases, the little cart thingy is only about 20 feet away.  Again….walk your lazy ass over there and put it up.  Yes, I’m talking to you.

Moving on through the perilous mine field that is the parking lot, I’ve noticed that there is a certain group of people who insist on pulling through a diagonal parking spot.  That’s fine except that, when you pull out, you’re going the wrong freaking way idiot.  Be warned, if you do this to me, I won’t move over to let you by.  Just back yourself back the way you came.  Also, keep in mind that I’m armed should you decide to get out of your car and “show me”.

This really only bothers me while you're sitting still....stop, you make me nervous.

Another group I have issues with is the crowd that likes to cut across a parking lot.  I’m not talking about cutting across aisles out at the end of the lot where there aren’t any other cars and you can actually see and be seen, I’m talking about the ones that insist on doing it at the very edge of a row of cars and zip through.  I’ve noticed that most are in their early 50’s, drive looking straight ahead oblivious to anything else, and do the whole “10 and 2” thing.  I’m beginning to think it was something in drivers ed back then….drive like you’re the only one on the road.  I like to scare these people.  They obviously don’t see me coming and I run right up on them like I’m going to broadside them. 

There's this thing called "right of way"...maybe you've heard of it.

They usually notice me when I’m about ten feet from them laying on the horn.  The funny thing is they ALWAYS get angry at me…..why?? Idiot, you just ran out in front of me. 

             My next issue isn’t with drivers, but with pedestrians.  Of course, they’re probably the same ones that just cut across the parking lot in front of me so they could hold up traffic waiting on a parking spot for three hours, then pull through so that they’ll be driving the wrong way down the aisle right after they left their shopping cart sitting behind my car to put dents in it.  Unless you get dropped off at the front door, it’s kind of hard to get from the parking lot into the building without crossing traffic.  It irritates me to no end when I’m driving across…let’s say Wally World and I stop to let people walk across the cross walk in front of me.  I don’t expect them to run, but at least get the lead out.  Just because the stripes on the road are painted diagonally doesn’t mean you have to walk that way.  Walk straight across the damned road and get out of the way.  Geeze.

Moving on into Wally World, I’ve noticed that there’s a certain….type of people who frequent this store.  All one has to do is check out people of walmart dot coooooooom .  (Sorry…Expedia flashback there).  Granted, that’s only a small part of the clientel, but it seems they’re the only ones I ever notice.  This type of people is the one that tears shit up just to tear it up.  Really people, if you decide you don’t want that ice cream sandwich, walk your happy ass back to the frozen aisle and put it up.  Don’t stick it in the magazine rack at the check out.  I’ve lost count of the number of steaks and hamburger I’ve seen sitting next to the National Inquirer over the years.  If I were visiting your house and left my melting ice cream on the back of your couch, you’d probably be a little pissed.  Whatever happened to “you break it, you buy it”?

Speaking of tearing up things, have you ever seen the Wal Mart Halloween aisle?  That place is a disaster.  I couldn’t even begin to think about letting a kid of mine take things off the shelf and repeatedly throw them on the ground.  But they do and that’s even assuming that the kid is supervised at all.  This is NOT a daycare.  You don’t just walk in and have little Bubba Joe Jim Bob amuse himself while you go check out the electronics section for copies of Talladega Nights. How many times have you been past the toy section at Wally World (I know you have, I’ve seen you on that website…freak) and seen half a dozen kids playing in the aisles with no adult in sight?  Hope there aren’t any pedophiles out there just waiting for a victim…oh wait, there are.  I’ve actually grabbed a phone on a pole in the department (probably why I haven’t seen them there in a while) and hit intercom and made an announcement that any unattended children left in the toy department will be turned over to the police….then quickly walked away before anyone saw who did it. 

Anyway…I think I’m done for now.

Rant over.....I'm thinking we need a little more chlorine in the gene pool.

Workplace manners….you ARE in public.

Everybody has that one coworker that just drives them nuts. You know the one. The one that sits with the bag of sunflower seeds and spits in the trash can next to you or the one that makes that clicking sound with his tongue all the time. Then there’s the one that refuses to cover their mouth and sneezes and hacks all over everything. Well, in my case I guess that’s most of them.

My real issue is that some of my coworkers exhibit behavior that I don’t consider appropriate. There are some things that one doesn’t do in public. For instance, if someone sat at the table next to me at a

restaurant and hiked their leg two or three times to let one rip, I’d probably get thrown out after I whipped their ass. The response I normally get is along the lines of “it’s not in public, it’s at work”. I suppose it’s just me, but I don’t consider the workplace a private setting. I don’t live with you, you aren’t related to me, and you don’t live here.  If you wouldn’t do it at a restaurant, don’t do it at the office.

We’ve got a guy at work that has a routine. It goes something like: open door, take three steps inside, proceed to shit down pants leg, get stupid grin. And this guys in his 40’s. Come on, sometimes things just slip out, but when you lean to one side and half pick up your leg to blow mud several more times it’s disgusting and definitely not an accident. And several of the guys at the office will actually lean over and make a point of being as loud as possible with it. Take that shit (pardon the pun) somewhere else…like a deserted forest. On second thought, don’t. There might be some cute and fluffy animal you could scar for life and I’d hate to have to call PETA because you were torturing a bunny.

Just look at that…do you really want to be responsible for gassing fluffy here?

Those same guys are the ones who also like to belch as loud as they can, as often as they can.  There’s just a serious lack of class and, quite frankly, it’s a little on the rude side most places.

Moving on to my next workplace pet peeve…the workplace refrigerator.  Just about anyone who’s worked in a larger office will know what I’m talking about.  There must be an unwritten law somewhere that states that people should bring a bag full of food to work, eat a little of it, then leave it there for a month or two in a tied up plastic Wal-Mart bag until it turns into a liquid mass of rotting…stuff.  There’s nothing quite like getting drafted to clean the thing (often only after someone in charge opens it to find over a year of crap rotting inside it).  OK, I’ve left stuff in there before and forgotten about it too.  But, seriously, I think some people open the door a week later, see the food they left, and say “oh…that’s where I left it” and close the door.  Repeat again in another week.

I guess that boils down to just not caring because it’s not yours.  At least, I hope that’s what it is.  If it isn’t, remind me never to eat anything from or at your house.  These are probably the same people who piss on the bathroom floors (see my public bathroom rant).  Anyway, I’ll go to another topic before I get irritated.

Bluetooth headsets…yes, you look ridiculous.  You’ve seen them.  You probably even have one.  My car has Bluetooth and I use it for phone calls if I’m in the car.  It’s convenient and keeps…wait for it…your hands free.  That’s probably why they call it a hands free device…might be handy for when you have to do something like…I don’t know…use your damned blinker (but that’s part of another rant).  Before I got this car I used to use an earpiece while I was driving.  Then, I’d leave it in the car…didn’t need it anymore.

Now, how many of you have been rolling along in the grocery store or just anywhere in general and someone walks by you with their hands in their pockets and asks you something?  You answer or ask them to repeat themselves and they just keep walking.

It’s at this point you realize it’s some idiot with their Borg headset on trying to look trendy / important / too lazy to hold the phone / whatever, being totally oblivious to whatever you just said to them.  Kind of makes you feel like an ass for a few minutes.  People, you look a little stupid walking around talking to yourselves.  Stop it immediately.

The same goes for those Nextel direct connect phones.  Look, nobody wants to hear both sides of your conversation.  There’s a little button on the phone that lets you use it like a …. phone (GASP!!).  What is the mentality behind this?  “Look at me, I’ve got a walkie-talkie phone!”  And…your point is what exactly?  Fisher Price has been making them for years.

We’ve got a guy at the office who does this…the very same I’ve been giving a hard time to this entire rant (surprising, huh?).  His latest trend and, I’m guessing that his BorgSet must have died recently as he hasn’t been using it, is to walk around holding his phone in front of him talking on speaker to everyone.  Again, nobody really wants to hear both sides of your conversation.  I can only assume that he has some form of allergy that prevents his ear from making contact with a phone.  I would seriously hate for his head to swell up and explode if this were to happen and I don’t believe our insurance would cover it.  I might have to make him some kind of protective device.  Out of genuine concern, of course.

Public Restrooms

If there’s one thing that irritates me, ok..there’s a lot of things that irritate me but, for this week, we’re going to concentrate on one…and that’s having to stand in a stinky puddle of someone’s stale piss in a public bathroom.

For those of you not familiar with the concept of the urinal, the basic idea is that you walk up to it, whip it out, and go about your business. When done one zips it up and walks away. That’s great for those of us who find it horribly inconvenient to have to actually sit down and *gasp* deal with a toilet seat.

Then there’s that whole public restroom phobia of sitting on a toilet seat where, in most likelihood, some fat nasty person with hemorrhoids has been sitting there reading a magazine for the last three hours…you laugh, but we have one in the office next door at work who spends about that much time in there…daily. This is probably why there’s such a market for “ass gaskets”.

Anyway, back to the point. All urinals have a basin of sorts that protrude out of the bottom a few inches. This is designed to catch all the little dribbles. In theory, this should eliminate these little offerings left so often on the floors in front of them. For some strange reason, however, there are a large number of people who can’t seem to get this concept. I know this from the countless times I’ve walked up to one that hasn’t been freshly mopped and had to straddle the little puddle so I don’t get it all over my shoes all the while trying to hold my breath.

Something to note here…piss stinks and it’s sticky. If you don’t believe me, squirt a little on your bathroom floor and let it dry. I bet you wouldn’t leave it there for long. That just means that people are really inconsiderate (which will be a whole topic or two by itself) and don’t care if they don’t have to clean it up.

So, guys (and gals that like to pee standing up, I guess), you see the little trough with the drain in it? Why don’t you try standing with the end of your thingy OVER that. I guess I’m going to have to be the one to break it to you….you’ve been lied to. Whether it’s some kind of delusion you’re having or someone is giving you this information…it’s all been a lie. IT IS NOT AS LONG AS YOU SEEM TO THINK IT IS! Stand closer and quit peeing on the floor.

This brings me to another issue. FLUSH THE DAMNED TOILET. Almost as bad as the smell of someone marking their territory on the floor is that of stagnant urine in the toilet. You see the little silver handle on top? That makes it flush. Chances are, if it has one of these devices, it ISN’T auto flushing.

I swear, I’m beginning to think that they should just replace all of the public restroomswith fire hydrants. That way people could just come by and lift their leg when they have to go. At least the janitor would get a break.

Fast Food

I guess we get to start this off earlier than I expected…oh well.

I was sitting in line at Taco Hell a while ago and got behind this person placing several orders.  I could hear everything that was being said and, let me tell you, this is the kind of customer that gets flies in the burger and piss in the lemonade (insert Clerks 2 references here).

Three of the four orders had “extras” on them, they wanted the second and third order together, but in different bags..I’m guessing that they were dropping someone off and didn’t want to have to sort it, and the first and fourth order payed for separately.

All in all, the order went something like this:

“Let me have a #2….no, change that to a #3.  I don’t want any vegetable on that. Uh….and I need that separate.  OK….uhhhh..and I need a #6..make that 2 #6….cheese only.  I need that together with the next, but could you make sure those are bagged separately?  OK…and I need a box meal..” wah wa wa wah wah waaah?  “Uhh…could you repeat that?” Wah wa wa wah wah waaah?  “Uhhh..coke. And can I get three chalupas with no meat and just onions?  And a pickle?…”

Ok…so I made the pickle thing up, but you get the point.  Generally, I have to assume that people go to the drive through because they’re in a hurry.  It’s faster to drive up, order, and drive off than it is to find a parking space, go in, order, go back to the car, and try to get out of the parking lot.  At least, that’s why I do it.  And, I generally have a very good idea of what it is I want to order ahead of time.  I may be a jerk, but I like to consider myself a fairly considerate jerk.  I don’t like to tie up a drive through ordering for an army when there are people behind me that just want to get in and get out.

Maybe there should be a list of drive through guidelines.  I would propose something like this:

  1. Know what you want before you drive up.  If you’ve never been to a place..GO INSIDE.
  2. Sure…Booger King says you can have it your way, but if you want to make more than a SIMPLE change or two…GO INSIDE.
  3. If there are more than two orders you want to make…GO INSIDE.
  4. Keep it simple…they WILL screw up your order then, you guessed it…you’ll have to GO INSIDE to fix it.
  5. You know they screwed your order up because you ignored rule #4 so, instead of checking it right there, you pull up about a car length to check it.  Now I can’t get to the window…it’s too late, you’re not going to back up to the window…if you’re that worried about it you should have…GONE INSIDE.  Move along, nothing to see here.
  6. Don’t sit at the CrackDonalds window and distribute all the food to your Jerry Springer sized brood before driving away.  If you want a dine-in experience you should GO INSIDE.  Or, at least find a parking spot or something first.

Ok, I think I’m done for now…..