Workplace manners….you ARE in public.

Everybody has that one coworker that just drives them nuts. You know the one. The one that sits with the bag of sunflower seeds and spits in the trash can next to you or the one that makes that clicking sound with his tongue all the time. Then there’s the one that refuses to cover their mouth and sneezes and hacks all over everything. Well, in my case I guess that’s most of them.

My real issue is that some of my coworkers exhibit behavior that I don’t consider appropriate. There are some things that one doesn’t do in public. For instance, if someone sat at the table next to me at a

restaurant and hiked their leg two or three times to let one rip, I’d probably get thrown out after I whipped their ass. The response I normally get is along the lines of “it’s not in public, it’s at work”. I suppose it’s just me, but I don’t consider the workplace a private setting. I don’t live with you, you aren’t related to me, and you don’t live here.  If you wouldn’t do it at a restaurant, don’t do it at the office.

We’ve got a guy at work that has a routine. It goes something like: open door, take three steps inside, proceed to shit down pants leg, get stupid grin. And this guys in his 40’s. Come on, sometimes things just slip out, but when you lean to one side and half pick up your leg to blow mud several more times it’s disgusting and definitely not an accident. And several of the guys at the office will actually lean over and make a point of being as loud as possible with it. Take that shit (pardon the pun) somewhere else…like a deserted forest. On second thought, don’t. There might be some cute and fluffy animal you could scar for life and I’d hate to have to call PETA because you were torturing a bunny.

Just look at that…do you really want to be responsible for gassing fluffy here?

Those same guys are the ones who also like to belch as loud as they can, as often as they can.  There’s just a serious lack of class and, quite frankly, it’s a little on the rude side most places.

Moving on to my next workplace pet peeve…the workplace refrigerator.  Just about anyone who’s worked in a larger office will know what I’m talking about.  There must be an unwritten law somewhere that states that people should bring a bag full of food to work, eat a little of it, then leave it there for a month or two in a tied up plastic Wal-Mart bag until it turns into a liquid mass of rotting…stuff.  There’s nothing quite like getting drafted to clean the thing (often only after someone in charge opens it to find over a year of crap rotting inside it).  OK, I’ve left stuff in there before and forgotten about it too.  But, seriously, I think some people open the door a week later, see the food they left, and say “oh…that’s where I left it” and close the door.  Repeat again in another week.

I guess that boils down to just not caring because it’s not yours.  At least, I hope that’s what it is.  If it isn’t, remind me never to eat anything from or at your house.  These are probably the same people who piss on the bathroom floors (see my public bathroom rant).  Anyway, I’ll go to another topic before I get irritated.

Bluetooth headsets…yes, you look ridiculous.  You’ve seen them.  You probably even have one.  My car has Bluetooth and I use it for phone calls if I’m in the car.  It’s convenient and keeps…wait for it…your hands free.  That’s probably why they call it a hands free device…might be handy for when you have to do something like…I don’t know…use your damned blinker (but that’s part of another rant).  Before I got this car I used to use an earpiece while I was driving.  Then, I’d leave it in the car…didn’t need it anymore.

Now, how many of you have been rolling along in the grocery store or just anywhere in general and someone walks by you with their hands in their pockets and asks you something?  You answer or ask them to repeat themselves and they just keep walking.

It’s at this point you realize it’s some idiot with their Borg headset on trying to look trendy / important / too lazy to hold the phone / whatever, being totally oblivious to whatever you just said to them.  Kind of makes you feel like an ass for a few minutes.  People, you look a little stupid walking around talking to yourselves.  Stop it immediately.

The same goes for those Nextel direct connect phones.  Look, nobody wants to hear both sides of your conversation.  There’s a little button on the phone that lets you use it like a …. phone (GASP!!).  What is the mentality behind this?  “Look at me, I’ve got a walkie-talkie phone!”  And…your point is what exactly?  Fisher Price has been making them for years.

We’ve got a guy at the office who does this…the very same I’ve been giving a hard time to this entire rant (surprising, huh?).  His latest trend and, I’m guessing that his BorgSet must have died recently as he hasn’t been using it, is to walk around holding his phone in front of him talking on speaker to everyone.  Again, nobody really wants to hear both sides of your conversation.  I can only assume that he has some form of allergy that prevents his ear from making contact with a phone.  I would seriously hate for his head to swell up and explode if this were to happen and I don’t believe our insurance would cover it.  I might have to make him some kind of protective device.  Out of genuine concern, of course.

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Public Restrooms

If there’s one thing that irritates me, ok..there’s a lot of things that irritate me but, for this week, we’re going to concentrate on one…and that’s having to stand in a stinky puddle of someone’s stale piss in a public bathroom.

For those of you not familiar with the concept of the urinal, the basic idea is that you walk up to it, whip it out, and go about your business. When done one zips it up and walks away. That’s great for those of us who find it horribly inconvenient to have to actually sit down and *gasp* deal with a toilet seat.

Then there’s that whole public restroom phobia of sitting on a toilet seat where, in most likelihood, some fat nasty person with hemorrhoids has been sitting there reading a magazine for the last three hours…you laugh, but we have one in the office next door at work who spends about that much time in there…daily. This is probably why there’s such a market for “ass gaskets”.

Anyway, back to the point. All urinals have a basin of sorts that protrude out of the bottom a few inches. This is designed to catch all the little dribbles. In theory, this should eliminate these little offerings left so often on the floors in front of them. For some strange reason, however, there are a large number of people who can’t seem to get this concept. I know this from the countless times I’ve walked up to one that hasn’t been freshly mopped and had to straddle the little puddle so I don’t get it all over my shoes all the while trying to hold my breath.

Something to note here…piss stinks and it’s sticky. If you don’t believe me, squirt a little on your bathroom floor and let it dry. I bet you wouldn’t leave it there for long. That just means that people are really inconsiderate (which will be a whole topic or two by itself) and don’t care if they don’t have to clean it up.

So, guys (and gals that like to pee standing up, I guess), you see the little trough with the drain in it? Why don’t you try standing with the end of your thingy OVER that. I guess I’m going to have to be the one to break it to you….you’ve been lied to. Whether it’s some kind of delusion you’re having or someone is giving you this information…it’s all been a lie. IT IS NOT AS LONG AS YOU SEEM TO THINK IT IS! Stand closer and quit peeing on the floor.

This brings me to another issue. FLUSH THE DAMNED TOILET. Almost as bad as the smell of someone marking their territory on the floor is that of stagnant urine in the toilet. You see the little silver handle on top? That makes it flush. Chances are, if it has one of these devices, it ISN’T auto flushing.

I swear, I’m beginning to think that they should just replace all of the public restroomswith fire hydrants. That way people could just come by and lift their leg when they have to go. At least the janitor would get a break.

Fast Food

I guess we get to start this off earlier than I expected…oh well.

I was sitting in line at Taco Hell a while ago and got behind this person placing several orders.  I could hear everything that was being said and, let me tell you, this is the kind of customer that gets flies in the burger and piss in the lemonade (insert Clerks 2 references here).

Three of the four orders had “extras” on them, they wanted the second and third order together, but in different bags..I’m guessing that they were dropping someone off and didn’t want to have to sort it, and the first and fourth order payed for separately.

All in all, the order went something like this:

“Let me have a #2….no, change that to a #3.  I don’t want any vegetable on that. Uh….and I need that separate.  OK….uhhhh..and I need a #6..make that 2 #6….cheese only.  I need that together with the next, but could you make sure those are bagged separately?  OK…and I need a box meal..” wah wa wa wah wah waaah?  “Uhh…could you repeat that?” Wah wa wa wah wah waaah?  “Uhhh..coke. And can I get three chalupas with no meat and just onions?  And a pickle?…”

Ok…so I made the pickle thing up, but you get the point.  Generally, I have to assume that people go to the drive through because they’re in a hurry.  It’s faster to drive up, order, and drive off than it is to find a parking space, go in, order, go back to the car, and try to get out of the parking lot.  At least, that’s why I do it.  And, I generally have a very good idea of what it is I want to order ahead of time.  I may be a jerk, but I like to consider myself a fairly considerate jerk.  I don’t like to tie up a drive through ordering for an army when there are people behind me that just want to get in and get out.

Maybe there should be a list of drive through guidelines.  I would propose something like this:

  1. Know what you want before you drive up.  If you’ve never been to a place..GO INSIDE.
  2. Sure…Booger King says you can have it your way, but if you want to make more than a SIMPLE change or two…GO INSIDE.
  3. If there are more than two orders you want to make…GO INSIDE.
  4. Keep it simple…they WILL screw up your order then, you guessed it…you’ll have to GO INSIDE to fix it.
  5. You know they screwed your order up because you ignored rule #4 so, instead of checking it right there, you pull up about a car length to check it.  Now I can’t get to the window…it’s too late, you’re not going to back up to the window…if you’re that worried about it you should have…GONE INSIDE.  Move along, nothing to see here.
  6. Don’t sit at the CrackDonalds window and distribute all the food to your Jerry Springer sized brood before driving away.  If you want a dine-in experience you should GO INSIDE.  Or, at least find a parking spot or something first.

Ok, I think I’m done for now…..